What is couples counseling, if not a tiny microcosm of the peace process between warring nations? The basic ingredients of conflict and violence (both large and small) are the same:

• Fear
• Anger
• Hurt
• Miscommunication
• Assumptions
• Pain driven behavior
• Retaliation

(Please notice that love & compassion are not on the list.)

Helpful tips and useful information for men, women and children who are trying to negotiate peace for themselves and others:

• Emotions and physical sensations are like lights on a dashboard.  Feelings of anger and fear are biological responses to perceived threat.  Our nervous systems don’t know or care about the difference between a movie, a car accident or person yelling at us.  Our bodies simply react and orient to possible danger.
• Feelings = happy, mad, sad, angry, etc…  Physical sensations = hot, cold, tense, relaxed, etc…  Learn to read the lights on the dashboard.  There is a wealth of information waiting for you.
• Learn how to listen to people.  Listening is more than just nodding your head and smiling.  Listening requires clarification and acknowledgement that the message has been received clearly.

Listening and agreeing are not the same thing.  

Practice listening, even when you disagree with the message.  In fact, practice listening especially when you disagree.  

GETTING STARTED:  When you’ve spent your whole life taking responsibility for how others feel, it’s hard not to take things personally.  One way to begin your listening practice is to pretend that you are a news reporter trying to get the details of an important story.  Even if the person who’s speaking is angry at you, sad or anxious, pretend that their story is not about you.  Get every detail and reflect back what you hear. 

Example:  ”What I hear you saying is, when I’m late and don’t call, you feel anxious.  Did I hear you correctly?”  REMEMBER – Acknowledging the other person’s feelings is not an admission of guilt.  It is an act of compassion. 

• Considering couples counseling?  Before you invest any of your precious time or resources on changing the course of your life, ask yourself, “If treatment works, how will I know?  How will my life be different?”  Setting  intentions for your individual or couples counseling will empower you to participate in your own treatment.

• Learn about compassion.  It is often confused with pity.  They are not the same.  Compassion allows you to feel empathy and love for those in pain.  If you are capable of compassion, then you can be with people who have problems that you cannot fix.  Compassion is a language and a behavior.  Amazing things happen when you allow and support others to fix their own problems.  It’s a game changer.

Good luck and be well!

Should I celebrate by singing the classic song from the Wizard of Oz:“Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead. Or should I meditate on the profound wisdom of Martin Luther King, Jr: ”I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

Perhaps the correct answer is both.  There is a part of the human experience that craves revenge and feels hungry for violence.  To deny that we are all capable of feeling violent would be a mistake.  It would be like denying that water is wet.  Ignoring the truth doesn’t make it less true.”

It’s also true that love begets love and violence begets violence.  Just like 1+1=2.  An eye for an eye, would have us all blind.  Punishment is not the answer.

If the human race is to survive and thrive, we need to acknowledge our pain.  Feelings and behavior are 2 separate things.  We can learn to acknowledge our primal reaction to threat AND behave from a more evolved place.  Acts of love and compassion are most needed exactly when it is most difficult.  This is as true for the individual as it is for couples, families and communities.  What is our planet if not one gigantic human habitat?

We currently live in a culture of “us” and “them”. The news reflects our own internal struggle between the compassionate, warm, loving and generous people we strive to be and the greedy, fearful and aggressive parts of us we struggle to keep in the shadows.

The bottom line:  It’s okay to feel anger, hate and rage.  It’s not okay to act it out.  The human race, along with our planet will thrive if we chose to act from a place of love and compassion.  Remember, love begets love and violence begets violence. 1+1=2.  If we want a different outcome, we must choose a different action.